Supermarket womble identification guide.

15 Apr 09 12:02 pm Filed in: Just sayin' is all


I’m one of those weird folk who actually like grocery shopping. Since we have a couple of good supermarkets almost directly on the way home I find it easy just doing quick daily shops for anything we’re running short on or provisions for whatever Kathy or I feel like cooking for dinner that night. It’s almost a part of the post-work-day wind down.

Now, with that out of the way, may I offer my guide for spotting wombles at supermarkets:

Womblus Obstructae:

Identified by the distinctive behaviour of stopping just after the turnstile entry but before the cattle run has ended; usually to check a list or trying to identify where they should go first (hint: about two steps straight ahead, thanks.) Closely related to Womblus Oblivius.

Womblus Oblivius:

Very common, has many identifying characteristics, such as lacking any peripheral vision - or forward vision for that matter. Careful though, these wily critters do have perception of movement behind them and will unfailingly move to block any attempts to go around them, stopping when you stop, moving when you move. All the while maintaining a slightly vacant breathe-in-now-breathe-out expression.

Womblus Excrutium:

One needs to travel carefully through supermarket aisles as you are being watched. If it is determined that you have spent too much time in one place, miniature wombles are deployed and soon track you down, emitting a screeching call. If you are detected early enough in your expedition, a pack of WE’s will keep pace with you down each aisle. Strangely, these wombles ignore other wombles.

Womblus Velocis:

These miniature animals are seen flitting around corners, down aisles and across the ends of aisles in an attempt to slow your progress, thereby attracting the Womblus Excrutia. Be careful, if you accidentally trip up or knock one of these with a shopping basket, all of a sudden you’re the bad guy.

Womblus Defusis also known as Womblus Locatiae:

Want to know where the basmati rice is down this aisle? Just look for this critter as they will be standing - with trolley - directly in front to that section preventing any access. They will also be quite still, concentrating profusely on something, wondering which rice to pick as if picking which wire to cut first on a bomb. They will spend quite some time doing this, and may even use a mobile phone to consult - loudly - with another womble on said wires. These can also been seen staring at a small slip of paper offered by mechanical altars known as “ATMs” that have declined to offer other small slips of paper.

Wombilus Acquaintus:

These animals arrive separately (or indeed in separate packs) but eventually cross tracks, stop all motion, and communicate endlessly on what they did that day, what they may do the next day, what little snowflake has done today, or the progress of each others’ hatchlings. They will do this standing across from each other thereby forming a barrier across an aisle, and adopt the same sight characteristics as Wombilus Oblivius.

Wombilus Obsticulae:

Related to Wombilus Obstructiae, this animal uses inanimate objects known as “trolleys” to achieve their goal. When grazing they will leave their trolley either precisely in the middle of an aisle or more often at an angle - usually 90° - to the aisle thereby safely preventing any progress. When moving, they are prone to perform sudden U-turns when followed, or walk at a slow pace beside the trolley rather than behind it. This is sometimes aided by the presence of one or more Womblus Velocis or Wombilus Excrutium.

There are other classifications that you will undoubtedly encounter, and indeed combinations of the above, but suffice is to say that this entry has been sitting as a draft for too long. Word must be got out, people must be cautioned.